Hello lovely people – Dr Justin here. Did you know that we have some very helpful parenting experts in the great Southwest of WA? Well, we did until Emma (The Goodnight Nurse) nicked off from Busselton to live her best life over the ditch. But fear not, here we are going to post our favourite episodes of Melissa and Emma’s well received and much loved podcast ‘This Blooming’ Child!’ (with occasional special guests…).

Today it’s about counter control. Many parents come in to see me and tell me they’ve tried everything – yelling, treats, rewards, punishments, taking the iPad (or phone, or TV, or Dessert, or any other privilege you can imagine) off of them, interpretive dance, and the harder they try worse the kid’s behaviour gets. If that sounds familiar, read on!

Dr Justin to Counter Control Episode 9 Season 2

Behavioural analysis; awesome but limited. One size does not fit all!

These days behaviour (and behaviour analysis) gets talked about in terms of ‘reinforcement’, ‘conditioning’ and the like. You’ve probably heard teachers and psychologists go on about Classical and Operant Conditioning. These terms are really measurable and precise. Dead set, you can even reduce learning in these terms down to handy mathematical equations!

Operant Conditioning theory centers on how rewards and punishments shape behaviours. Social scientists like B.F. Skinner and their experiments with rats and pigeons taught us heaps about how organisms learn behaviours. If I had to pick one area of psychology that is the most applicable to the greatest number of problems in psychology practise I’d probably pick Operant and Classical Conditioning theory. But like all theories that are really precise, they necessarily omit other really important factors in human behaviour. This is where we need to go to earlier theories about the human psyche.

Freud and Drive Theory: Beyond reward charts.

Freudian approaches to psychology were not only about sex (sorry guys). He and his crew argued that many of our behaviours arise from unconscious drives such as fear of dying, the need for affiliation and positive regard, the desire for autonomy, the desire to reproduce etc. But it is the desire for autonomy that we’re interested in today. You see, it is a child’s main job to become autonomous and be able to flex their own will – how could they grow up otherwise?

Just as children differ in height, eye colour and interests, they differ in how much the need for autonomy drives their behaviour. Some kids could care less as long as they’re getting their rewards or pleasing their oldies. Others have such a deep need to make their own decisions they will – perforce – trade every Playstation, privilege or dessert to exercise their autonomy even if it means sleeping in a monastic cell on a wooden pallet. As difficult as this can be for parenting, it is not usually abnormal and often a good sign of a healthy vigorous BLOOMING human.

The Relationship is all: Collaboration versus ‘Zero Sum’.

We can’t do much about a child’s temperament, and wishing your child was someone else (like their little sister etc) will only make matters much worse. But there are strategies that help if your child’s need to ‘flex’ their autonomy is greater than their need for your approval, treats or rewards. Before we get into the list, remember that if you’re trying to ‘win’ and bring your child to heel, you’ve already lost before you start. Rather than taking their defiance personally (always a mistake, it’s never personal), treat misbehaviour as a skill deficit. Be their coach, not their opponent. Once your relationship has broken down into a power struggle, which no-one wins, you’ll need to do a lot of repair work before you get to wear the trusted coach’s cap again. Be patient.

Here’s a quick list of my favourites….

1. Bracketed choices. Give the child (age appropriate) choices within a framework. Example: ‘Hey Charlie, we sit when we eat yeah? Would you like to sit here at the table or outside on the verandah?’
2. Make discipline (which mean’s ‘to teach’) a ‘logical outcome’ of their behaviour rather than you being the big bad buzzkill. For example, have a morning routine posted on the fridge, with a favourite activity the last one before they go to school. So, if they’ve done the other steps (brekky, dressed, bag packed, hair and teeth) by 7.45, they get to chill with their favourite device or do craft until 8am. If they’re not ready, it hasn’t much to do with you. Example: ‘Sorry Charlie, but we’re out of time today. I understand you’re bummed out but I reckon you’ll nail it tomorrow, we’ll get started a little earlier! You’ll get it mate!’ So, while they’re still copping the consequence, you’re on their team and you want the same things.
3. Watch ’em like a hawk and catch them out – doing the right thing. Most people have a flaw in their attention. When things are going well, instead of noticing and enjoying it we tend to assume that’s no more than ‘how it should be’. As adults we call it ‘being taken for granted’ and it pisses us off. But we do it to kids all then time. Catch your kids waiting their turn, cooperating with each other, taking no for an answer, or being kind and make a thing out of it. Different kids respond to different things, but praise or acknowledgement works best when it happens right after the behaviour and the child knows what they did well. Example: ‘Hey Charlie, I know your little sister is frustrating when she messes with your Lego, but I really liked the way you were patient with her just then and asked us for help instead of getting angry. You’re being a really great big brother mate. Well done, proud of ya!’ Not only will they know what works, they’ll know you like them!
4. House Rules. There’s no way to overstate how important these are. Have three or four positively stated rules that EVERYONE (looking at you Dad) follows. This stops parents from making up rules according to their mood on the day, policing children’s emotions (in short, don’t) and teaches children authority comes from an agreement about good ways for people to live together, not from someone who is more powerful – we already have far too many leaders like that about the place.
5. Break those House Rules; hand ’em a win! That’s right! Once they’re used to the rules, break little ones now and again and let the kids pick you up on it. Example: ‘Hey Dad! How do we move about in the house? That’s right we walk! (Dad walks) That’s the way Dad, nice work!’. This helps them internalise the rules, lets them flex a little in an appropriate way and shows them no one is above decent behaviour – easing the ‘power struggle’.
6. If you cock-up, ‘fess up. Been overly grumpy? Jumped to the wrong conclusion? We’ve all done it. Don’t double down or twist yourself in knots justifying yourself – admit your error and apologise. It will teach your child there’s no real loss of face in admitting an error and repairing the relationship.
7. Don’t (I repeat Don’t) make every good thing contingent on submission or ‘being good’. It leads to resentment and erodes the bond. Kids need to know you like their company because they are who they are, not because they’re submissive or always ‘good’. Bribes don’t help for this reason. A reward is something they don’t know is coming. If the kids are playing nicely together, take them to the beach or make a nice snack. You don’t have to tell them you’re rewarding good behaviour, you’re just doing something nice for them.
8. There is NOTHING more important than the relationship! As your kids get older you’ll have less and less ‘control’. It’s part of the letting go that started at birth. When they’re teens you will (at best) have a fair amount of influence, but only if you enjoy a good bond. So listen, ask questions, listen again. Do fun things together when you can. Get them to teach you stuff, enjoy it when they surpass you in the things you taught them. Admit the limits of your power, teens can smell a bluff a mile away – don’t try it. And if you can’t teach them today, love them today and you’ll be able to teach them tomorrow.

You don’t have them for long, don’t let it turn into a power struggle. And if you’re in one already, it’s your job to steer the relationship out of it. But it can help to get help!