As we gather around festive lights and sing cheerful songs, it’s crucial to remember that while the holiday season is a time of joy for many, it can also cast long shadows. During times like these less wonderful things like coercive control become more pronounced. As an experienced Single Expert Witness for the Family Court and a Court-Ordered Family Therapist, I’ve seen first-hand how this period can intensify difficulties for those caught in the web of coercive control.
The Hidden Challenge of the Holidays
During the festive season, support services scale down right when social obligations and tensions ramp up. This can mean the dynamics within families can shift subtly and significantly. Increased expectations and busy schedules provide fertile ground for coercive behaviours to go unchecked. It’s a time when victims might find it even harder to reach out, masked by the season’s hustle and the pressure to maintain a cheerful facade of holiday cheer.
Understanding Coercive Control
Coercive control is not an isolated incident; it’s a strategic pattern of behaviour that seeks to strip someone of their sense of autonomy and self-worth. It involves acts designed to intimidate, degrade, isolate, and control; all under the disguise of “…but I just love you SO much”. According to evidence-based research, this form of abuse is insidious, often creeping into lives under the guise of love or concern. The perpetrator may cast themselves in the victim role, making it difficult for victims to recognise and confront. Coercive and controlling behaviours may include (but are not limited to);
- Trying to isolate one’s partner from other sources of social support such as friends and family;
- Monitoring a partner’s activity during the day (demanding proof of those activities);
- Making a partner doubt their own mind and judgement;
- Restricting their activities and autonomy (e.g. what they wear or where they go);
- Name calling and putdowns;
- Economic and financial control;
- Turning the children, family or friends against a partner.
- Non-compliance might be met with threats to harm pets, children, the partner or themselves.
From my two decades of experience in psychology, I’ve observed that victims often possess qualities such as high self-reflection and empathy. These traits, while generally positive, can sometimes cause individuals to question their role in the abuse or rationalise the abuser’s behaviour, making it challenging to acknowledge the reality of their situation.
The Statistics Speak
Research indicates that domestic violence incidents, including coercive control, can and do spike during the holiday season. The stressors of this time—financial pressures, increased alcohol consumption, and social gatherings— exacerbate tensions and lead to more frequent and severe instances of control and abuse.
A Message of Support
To those who might be experiencing these trying dynamics, remember you are not alone, it is not okay, and it’s not your fault. The holiday season can amplify these issues, but it also brings a chance for reflection and reaching out. To friends and family members who notice such patterns; your support can be a lifeline. Offering a listening ear or acknowledging the signs can make a significant difference. Encourage open conversations and, where possible, guide them towards professional help which can provide a safe space for them to express and address their experiences. Sometimes it is far better to ‘check in’ with your loved one if you suspect they are experiencing coercion and control, than to ‘call out’ the perpetrator and risk more trouble you might not be there to help with later. Hear them and listen to what they want. You might find it’s a nice (even transformative) change for them.
As we wrap up another year and look forward to the festivities, let’s also be vigilant and caring. Let’s ensure that the spirit of the season encompasses support, understanding, and kindness towards all, especially those who might be silently struggling. If you or someone you know is facing coercive control, remember that help is available, and the first step towards change is recognition and acknowledgment.
Wishing everyone a safe and supportive holiday season.
